


Blindsided

by ddelusionall



Category: JYJ (Band)
Genre: Compromise, Diners, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Misunderstandings, Past Drug Use, Religious Guilt, Secret Relationship, fight
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-16
Updated: 2013-08-16
Packaged: 2021-03-02 04:34:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23929261
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ddelusionall/pseuds/ddelusionall
Summary: Junsu yells at Yoochun, and now he's doubting their precarious relationship.
Relationships: Kim Junsu (JYJ)/Park Yoochun





	Blindsided

**Author's Note:**

> I am importing my stories from LiveJournal. The original fic can be found [here](https://be-ddelusionall.livejournal.com/).
> 
> I haven't read this story in a long time, so I may have missed some tags. Just let me know if I did.

Yoochun forced a smile when his coffee cup was filled, but he didn’t look up. He muttered a thanks and brought the cup of steaming liquid up to this lips.

“You okay, Chunnie?”

Yoochun grunted a response, eyes shut. He did not want to look up and see the concern on Jaejoong’s face. He was fine. Just fine for someone who had his heart ripped out of his chest less than an hour ago.

_I feel like I don’t know you anymore._

_You’re my best friend._

_Am I?_

_Of course!_

_Or am I just convenient?_

Yoochun lowered his head and wished that his heart had been ripped out of his chest. It would have been less painful. He managed another sip of coffee. Junsu’s accusations and shouts twirled through his mind, so long so fast, that he had no idea where their argument started and stopped, which came first, what he said or did to defend himself. Or did he? What happened to the man he loved? What happened to them? Was there even a “them” left?

“Do you want something to eat?” Jaejoong asked.

Yoochun shook his head.

“You want to be left alone?”

Yoochun nodded.

“Okay. I’ll keep your coffee full.”

“T-thank you,” Yoochun muttered.

Jaejoong squeezed his shoulder. Yoochun barely felt it.

Maybe Junsu was right. Maybe they didn’t know each other anymore.

Jaejoong certainly knew him pretty well. And he knew Jaejoong just as well. But they had been friends since junior high. It made sense. He’d only known Junsu for a year.

Junsu was new.

New to town. New to life. New to Yoochun.

Maybe that’s all it had been when they first met a year ago. The draw of the unknown. But that did not explain how he and Junsu just clicked when they met. Jaejoong was the only other one that Yoochun felt that click with, but with Jaejoong it had taken years for it to build. Years to grow.

And with Junsu, it was instantaneous.

It made sense.

They made sense.

But it was starting to look like only Yoochun saw it anymore.

_What do you mean? I love you._

_You’re telling me this now?_

_I’ll tell you forever. What’s wrong with you tonight?_

_Tonight? You think this is just tonight?_

Yoochun was lost. And Junsu was right. They were too different. Opposite sides. Preacher boy with the bad boy. Your past defines you. Your past creates your present from learning from it or from succumbing to it. Yoochun likes to think that he learned from his past. He doesn’t drink every day. He still smokes cigarettes, but he doesn’t sneak out the back of the bar and puff off a pipe. Or down shots until he can’t remember how to get home.

Junsu has been good for him. So good. And Junsu has helped him be better, be different, be ... someone else.

Maybe Junsu was right. Yoochun was someone else compared to what he was a year ago. But he had been confused about life then. He wasn’t confused now. Well, he was, because he still had no idea what had set Junsu off, and why he was upset.

Why was he so upset?

_Is this about sex?_

_Sex? What? No, I ... I don’t even know what this is about, Su._

_You’re pissed, because I won’t put out, is that it? Well, fuck you, Park Yoochun. Just fuck you._

_I don’t ... Su, I told you. It’s fine._

_It’s not fine!_

Junsu had barely reacted when Yoochun told him he was gay. He had shrugged, said he kinda already knew that, and did Yoochun want ice cream? Junsu was craving ice cream.

Three months later they were kissing and Junsu was pleading for time, and Yoochun nodded and apologized and Junsu kissed him again. His family didn’t know, of course, and Yoochun understood, because it had been eight years since he came out of the closet and he and his brother were finally talking again. His mother still had a pitying look on her face when she looked at him.

Sunlight creeped across the tabletop, pushing the glow of the neon open sign away.

As promised, Jaejoong kept his coffee mug full, and his mouth shut. Yoochun couldn’t look up at anything. He sat with his elbows on the table, face in his hands, mind whirring at one point and his thoughts stopped at the next. He was so confused.

Did he still have a boyfriend?

Had Junsu ever been his boyfriend?

He was so tired, he could barely think straight, let alone analyze anything and have it all make sense. They were boyfriends. Yoochun had moved in just three months ago. It was a bit fast, but his lease was up and Junsu had a spare room, one that Yoochun never used and was more of their music room than anything else.

_Just go away. Go away. I ... I don’t want to see you anymore, and you can come get your stuff later._

_But, Su, I don’t ... I don’t understand. Why-_

_Get out!_

_Su!_

_Get out!_

Blindsided. He never really understood that word until he met Junsu. The first time he saw him had been in this cafe. He was sitting at the counter, and Yoochun had stumbled in after a long shift. He smelled of smoke and whiskey, and Junsu curled his lip in disgust, but Yoochun had been tipsy enough to smile and say, _Hey, stranger_. Junsu probably would have gotten up to sit at a table, but Jaejoong brought his food then and Yoochun babbled and they ended up talking until Yoochun had to leave to shower and sleep before his next shift.

The first time Junsu smiled was the first time Yoochun had ever felt his heart stop, chest clench, lungs collapse. Blindsided by that smile. And then by his laugh. And then by the hand he put on Yoochun’s knee.

They had a lot in common. They had a lot not in common.

Yoochun had given Jaejoong the _omg I am so in love with him_ look at least five times that morning.

And almost a year later, here he was, blindsided again. The last time Junsu had made him felt this way was their first kiss. It had been nothing more than a press of lips, but Yoochun could still feel it, even after sharing deeper, harder, stronger kisses with Junsu over the last few months.

_I wanted to see what it was like._

_And?_

_Not bad, but ..._

_I understand._

_No, you don’t._

_Yes, I do._

_I need time._

_I know._

_Forgive me?_

_For what?_

Junsu had moved here for a quiet place to study and teach music. He graduated college with a piano degree. He had been the main performer in more than one symphony. He had been in a musical. He had so much talent. He taught local kids how to play the piano, how to write music. He wanted to open his own school; or at least run one. He thought of going back to school to get a business degree to help.

Yoochun barely finished high school. He didn’t go to college. He played torch songs at the bar when they didn’t book anyone else to play the piano. And if he was sober enough to see the keys.

But Junsu hated it when he came home drunk, even if Junsu was already sleeping when he was off work. So Yoochun stopped drinking so much at work.

And he started writing more music. Better music. Junsu taught him how to control it. How to make it sound like a song and not just a mess of notes.

And Junsu wrote lyrics to the music Yoochun wrote. Or Yoochun wrote lyrics to the music that Junsu wrote.

They wrote songs together.

They just fit together so well.

Yoochun had no idea what was wrong with him.

“Hey, Su,” Jaejoong said carefully

Yoochun stiffened and sat up, but he did not move his head to look.

Junsu grunted in greeting.

“Ah, grunting seems to be the language of choice today.”

Junsu sat in the booth behind Yoochun. He listened to the squeak of the booth. Without even looking, Yoochun knew Junsu was slouching. Junsu never slouched.

“Coffee?” Jaejoong asked. “Tea?”

“Tea, please. Herbal and some honey.”

“Of course,” Jaejoong said.

Yoochun didn’t know what to say. Didn’t know if he should say anything. The silence stretched between them.

Junsu sighed.

Yoochun shut his eyes and whispered, “You know me well enough to know where I go when I’m upset.”

“It’s not hard. You always run to Jaejoong.”

“Hey,” Jaejoong protested. “Don’t drag me into this. He hasn’t said anything to me.”

There was a click of a plate on the table behind him.

“Sorry, Jaejoong,” Junsu said.

“Do you want to talk about it? Or are you going to sit here in silence and scare me to death because you won’t talk to me either?”

Junsu sighed again, but after a sip of his tea, he said, “Do you think Yoochun is different?”

Yoochun heard Jaejoong sit down.

“Different? How?”

“So you don’t see it either?”

“I didn’t say that. I’m just trying to understand why you think he’s different.”

“He just is.”

“He’s happier.”

“Huh?”

Jaejoong chuckled. “He’s happier. He’s never been this happy. Well, he’s not happy right this second. I actually haven’t ever seen him this upset. But you know, in general. With life. With you. With his family. He’s happier. A lot of that is you, and your influence on him. He doesn’t drink as much. He only smokes when he’s at work. He’s eating healthier because you’re a health fiend. He told me the other day that he actually went jogging with you.”

“Yoochun hates running.”

“Yes, he does. But he loves you.”

Junsu inhaled sharply. “He ... he told me that ... that ... those words. Last night.”

“Do you think he said them just because you were fighting?”

“Maybe?”

“Chunnie?”

Yoochun grunted.

“Do you love him?” Jaejoong asked.

“Of course I do.”

“There, see.”

“We’re still fighting.”

“No, you’re not. You’re resigned and depressed. If you were fighting, you’d be throwing that mug at his head.”

The bells above the door jingled, and Jaejoong stood up to go help the family that came in.

After a few seconds of silence, Junsu whispered, “You love me?”

“Yes.”

“But I ...”

Yoochun held his breath. He heard Junsu huff in frustration and fall against the bench.

“I made you go jogging.”

“No, you didn’t. I wanted to go.”

“You hate jogging.”

“That’s because I’m lazy, and I do have asthma, so I have a lot of excuses to not go jogging.”

“Then why did you go?”

“Because you went.”

“So I made you.”

“You didn’t make me,” Yoochun said with a sigh. He took another sip of coffee. After a long minute of silence, he said, “Remember last month? When I told you I was going to be playing some of my new songs at the bar?”

“Yeah.”

“You came.”

“Of course, I did.”

“You hate bars. You hate alcohol. You hate drunk people. But you came. Why?”

“Because you were playing your songs.”

“Exactly.” Yoochun stood up and took his coffee cup to the other booth. He sat across from Junsu. “I went jogging because you went jogging. And someone also has told me on more than one occasion that I need to be healthier. I haven’t been jogging with you since then, not because I hated it, but because I’ve been working a lot, training this new bartender. As soon as Taemin is trained, I can cut down to weekends only and write more music with you. Isn’t that what you want?”

Junsu sighed, but he nodded. “What do you want?”

Yoochun sipped at his coffee. “I want fresh coffee!” he said loud enough for Jaejoong to hear.

It made Junsu smile.

Jaejoong rolled his eyes, grumbled something about trying to give them privacy, but came over with the coffee pot. “Do you two want breakfast yet?”

Their eyes met, and Yoochun smiled. “My boyfriend will have an egg-white omelet with vegetables only, and no cheese. He wants yogurt and fruit on the side, but no pineapple, please.”

“And for your boyfriend?” Jaejoong asked Junsu.

Junsu finally smiled. “He wants something deep fried, and a donut. Oh and meat. Lots of meat.”

“Your meat,” Jaejoong muttered and turned away.

Their eyes met again and Junsu looked away when he sipped at his tea.

“Baby,” Yoochun whispered and held out his hand.

Junsu took it, and Yoochun played with his fingertips.

“I love your hands,” Yoochun finally said. “They’re just like everyone else’s hands when you first look, but the things you can do with them, the music you can create, makes your hands so special.”

“I’m scared,” Junsu whispered.

“Of what?”

“I don’t know. A lot of things.”

“I know. Are you scared because I love you?”

“Oh god yes.”

Yoochun frowned, but didn’t look up until Junsu tugged on his hand. He reached over and ran his fingers along Yoochun’s wrist, catching on the bracelets that rarely leave his arm. Most of them have been presents from Junsu, once he learned of Yoochun’s obsession.

“It really, really scares me, because ... well--” He swallowed and took a deep breath. He nodded and then looked up and they held each other’s gaze for a long moment. “I love you, too,” Junsu managed to say, “and that really, really scares me. I had my life all figured out before I met you. I knew what was going to happen and when and ... everything was planned out, and then you showed up and threw everything off kilter, and I just ... I don’t ... I can’t ... And I don’t ... If you can change, this easily, and be ... be so much ... more than you were a year ago, where does that leave me, huh? I’m done. I can’t do anything else. I can’t better my life because my life is already perfect because you’re in it. But what about you? When you realize that you can do so much more than you are and ...”

Yoochun stood up again and moved to the other side of the booth. He sat down and pulled Junsu against him. “Love, come on. Stop that. My life is better because you’re in it. My life is perfect because you’re in it.”

Junsu’s arms went around his waist. “What if I never ever want to have sex with you?”

Yoochun frowned. “Our relationship is not based on sex.”

“But it’s missing. And ...”

“And you’re not ready. You aren’t.”

“I think I might be.”

Yoochun pulled away enough to look at him. Junsu met his eyes and then looked away. Yoochun cleared his throat. “Well, you’ll let me know, right?”

Junsu scoffed and tilted his head up and pressed his lips to Yoochun’s jaw. “I’m scared.”

“Me, too.”

“Why?”

Yoochun took a very deep breath. “What if you hate it? What if you ... decide that you don’t like it and you don’t want me anymore and it’s not who you are?”

“What if I tell you I’m straight?”

“Yeah.”

“And what if I can’t ever tell my family? What if I ...” Junsu reached up and gripped the cross necklace around his neck. “I know I don’t have to give up my beliefs but ... We’re too different, Chunnie. We’re ... we can’t ...”

“We aren’t so different,” Yoochun whispered and he too touched Junsu’s necklace. “You know I believe in God. You know how hard my family is trying to accept this. You know how hard my very religious father took it before his death. You know how much my brother hated me for years. But you also know how much music means to me, how much my best friend means to me, how much I love my dog, and god, your cats. Seriously? You want another one? I already can’t breathe when I’m in any room but the bedroom.”

Junsu chuckled. “Sorry.” After another deep breath, he said, “And I’m so sorry. For yelling at you. And ... and ... I don’t know. I don’t want to break up with you.”

“Good. I don’t want to break up with you either.”

“But--”

“Su-yah,” Yoochun said. “Stop it. We want to be with each other, right? No matter the problems, no matter the future. You want to be with me, right?”

“Yes.”

“And I want to be with you. Sex will come when it comes, and I will not force you. But if you’re willing, we can try other things. Penetration isn’t the only thing we can do to and with each other.”

“Man, I picked the wrong time to bring you your food,” Jaejoong said and set a plate down.

Yoochun knew Junsu was blushing, but he did not release his boyfriend. “Shut up. It’s not like you don’t know this already.”

Jaejoong smiled and actually ruffled Junsu’s hair. “Come talk to me, dongsaeng. Less pressure if you talk to me about it. But I won’t participate in the actual doing of things. You have a nice ass and all, but no thanks.”

Neither looked amused. “Thanks," Junsu said. "I won’t, but thanks for the offer.”

Jaejoong smiled again and left the table.

Junsu looked at their breakfast and sighed. “I don’t know if I’m even hungry.”

“You are. And you can’t miss breakfast, because it’ll screw up your entire schedule.”

“I’m sorry,” Junsu said looking up. “You must think I’m crazy.”

“For having a schedule? No. For some of the clothes you wear? Yes.”

“Shut up. I’m being serious. I try to be serious and all you do is joke.”

Yoochun smiled and touched his cheek. He wanted to kiss his boyfriend, but Junsu had this thing against kissing in public. Yoochun was surprised that he even let him hug him.

“I’m sorry. I know you’re being serious. But, Junsu-yah, I love you. That doesn’t mean I only love parts of you or certain aspects of you. I love all of you.”

“I-I ... I love you. I do, god, I do.” He hugged Yoochun tightly again. “I’m sorry I yelled at you.”

“Dare I ask what set you off?”

Junsu bit his lip and sat up. He looked down at his plate, and picked up his fork. Yoochun wasn’t sure what he was thinking, or if he’d answer, so he patted Junsu’s shoulder and moved to his own side of the booth to eat his breakfast. It was only seconds before Junsu’s foot was wrapped around Yoochun’s ankle. He smiled into his next sip of coffee.

“My brother,” Junsu whispered after a few bites of food. “H-he just wanted to know when I was going to kick the low-life out of my apartment. And I was just thinking of everything, and by the time you got home, I ... yeah.”

Yoochun nodded.

“I wanted to tell him. I wanted to say that the low-life he was badmouthing was my boyfriend. And I almost did, but he just would not shut up about morals and work and ... do you really want to surround yourself with people like that? You should move home. And then I was wondering how they would react to knowing that you, who they don’t like, is my boyfriend, and why are you my boyfriend? And there is just no logical reason for it, at all, except that I want to be, and you want to be, and then it was like ... I don’t know. You were home and you smelled like alcohol, and ... and then you said you loved me and I couldn’t deal with that. I’m sorry.”

Yoochun reached across the table and spread his fingers. Junsu looked at his hand, smiled and gripped it, lacing their fingers together. “You’re forgiven, love. But don’t hide these things from me. Talk to me about them, okay? I’ve been there. I won’t say I know what you’re going through, because our situations are different, but I can at least give you some advice that may or may not help.”

“And orgasms,” Junsu said with a smile. “You can give me those.”

Yoochun choked on a bite of sausage.

“God, bad timing again. Dude,” Jaejoong said as he refilled Yoochun’s coffee.

Junsu’s cheeks went pink.

“Do you want more tea, Su-ah?”

“Yes, please.”

Jaejoong chuckled as he left. Junsu stared at the table top, and then lifted his head, catching Yoochun’s gaze. He blushed darker and looked down. Yoochun couldn’t stop the smile that spread across his face and he dragged his foot up Junsu’s shin lightly. Junsu smiled.

“Should we go out today?” Yoochun asked.

“Don’t you have to work?”

“I’ll call in sick. It’ll be okay.”

“What do you want to do?”

“Right now? Go get some sleep. But later, I don’t know. A movie. A concert. I’m sure we can find something that we both want to do.”

“There’s an opera over in Busan,” Junsu said carefully.

Yoochun made a face, but nodded. “Fine.”

“Really?”

“Yes, really. And I’ll even dress up, wear a tie and that suit that you bought me for some strange reason.”

“There’s a but at the end of that sentence.”

Yoochun laughed. “See you do know me!”

“What’s your condition?”

“I will dress up and go to the opera tonight, and you will dress down tomorrow and go to the Piano Lounge.”

Junsu laughed. “Okay. I can do that.”

“And have a bottle of soju with me.”

Junsu made a face.

“Just one drink. A swallow. We’ll share a bottle of soju and you’ll have a drink, and that’s all I will drink, and we’ll play the piano until the owners kick us out.”

Junsu nodded. “Fine.”

“See?” Yoochun said and held out his hand again. It was eagerly taken. “We can do this.”

And once again, Junsu’s smile made Yoochun’s world stop. Loved. Cherished. Blindsided.

♥  
\---  



End file.
